In a funk, sort of . . .

I have been feeling really strange lately.  All I want to do is bake, cook, clean, and brew delicious mulled wine which instead of sipping and enjoying blissfully I just swallow the whole darn thing in one gulp! And boy did I cook this weekend! Lamb, bread, marinaded my own olives, made focaccia, the works!! Totally over-did it but still did not feel any sense of joy or accomplishment, and the leg of lamb was totally gorgeous, as my English friends say.  I mean it could be Panayioti’s regressive attitude as of late (i.e. the spitting, the noises, the siren-y sounds, the running back and forth, the total lack of sense of danger as he climbs on the ledge of the balcony as soon as he sees the door ajar). I honestly thought that after two years of autism I would be used to this, but as I cleaned out my spice cabinet today, and all my kitchen drawers for that matter, I realized I’m not! I’m trying to let go of the anxiety I’ve been feeling by cleaning and cooking and just trying to keep myself busy any way I can. The only time I relaxed this weekend was when I took him, just the two of us, to the Mall to see the Gummy Bear Christmas movie. My little guy did not make any sounds, nor did he leave my side once! Part of the reason could be because he had this Taz hedgehog type of sensory toy with him which he continuously ran his fingers and palm over. That could very well be The reason.  Thank you Taz!! We had a great time!! Except for the movie which was a total waste of time and money but I purposely chose it ’cause I figured it would have the least amount of people lest my little guy decide to try his vocal chords inside the movie theater. He was just really good company, he always is when he’s on his best behavior.  He holds my hand, and just smiles the whole time, even gives me little kisses and hugs. So today I’m hoping my funk may be ending. In January it will be two years since the Autism diagnosis and we have yet to hear Panayioti speak words, only syllables some of the time. Because of this ‘anniversay’, I have a feeling that this funk, this angst, this whatever it’s called (depression even) may go away but it will be temporary.  Bottom line: parents of non-verbal autistic kids are never truly 100% happy.

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