At a loss . . . of just about anything

I’m feeling really weird lately.  I’ve wanted to write for a while and it’s been a while since my last entry but I just don’t know what to write about.  I mean, it’s not like there’s not anything to write about.  There’s plenty, trust me.  It’s just that I have been feeling really strange about sharing lately.  I know that’s this whole blog writing thing has done me good, to get all my feelings out and everything and I am so grateful to my friend Eleni for giving me that extra push that I needed.  I just don’t know . . . there’s something strange boiling, broiling even, inside me at times that I feel I’m going to explode.  I know! It’s the money.  Money is tight tight tight and no matter what I just don’t feel like I will ever have enough. Enough to pay Panayioti’s school and have some left over to buy stuff.  I’ve been going online lately visiting various e-shops and just adding stuff to my basket that I know I won’t end up buying in the end.  It’s like window shopping.  I can buy everything, in my mind!! I can add anything I want to my basket, add and then delete, and then sign out.

Has anyone ever felt like there’s nothing to talk about with one’s spouse? Kosta and I it seems have nothing to talk about lately.  I mean we’ve covered everything there is on the autism spectrum disorder.  I was in the kitchen the other day and kept hearing Kosta tell Panayioti to stop banging on the painting above the couch time and time again. I yell to Kosta to give him something else to do ’cause obviously he’s just bored.  I get ignored.  So I walk in and casually take down the 1.5m x 1.0m painting and it’s been resting against the wall on our balcony since.  I’ve decided that if Panayioti will not listen to us and climb lamps and bang on paintings that I’ll just take everything down, strip my house of any decorative pieces and stick to the basics. It’s an ugly piece of wall I’m staring at right now, just the nails left there. And it hasn’t bothered my husband at all.  He doesn’t care really. I think he’s just in a funk lately.

On Christmas day we were invited to a dinner party, sans kids.  My in-laws babysat and we got to go out just the two of us and it felt nice.  Once we arrived there was a kid around Panayioti’s age there because his parents live right next door and so they decided to bring him along.  He was delightful. He was exactly Panayioti’s age and even looked like him a little bit.  Kost and I fell in love with him and played all night long.  He pretended he was a pirate and would ‘kill’ us with his sword every so often. Then we sat by the gigantic Christmas tree and talked about the various ornaments and their designs and played pretend with the tiny snow man and elves decorating the base. We had a great time and I realized what life would’ve been like if Panayioti was a typical 4 year old. Sure, there would be tantrums and screams and fights but in the end we’re missing out on a lot!! We’re missing out on Panayioti’s childhood and its silly moments. At one point, Anastasios told Kosta that he is the king of pee.  Your typical 4 year old. I told my sister about the encounter and she reminded me of what a great time I used to have whenever I babysat for my nephew at that age. She’s actually the one who put the idea that I’m missing out on my son’s childhood in my brain. I feel hurt  and hopeless but I also love my son soooo much that when I see him playing with his fingers and making a sort of George of the Jungle noise that he’s been making lately that I think this is HIS childhood.  I can’t be absent just because he can’t communicate with me.  I have to be strong for him.  I have to live in his world, not make him live in mine. I have to at least try. And teach his sister to try as well.  In fact, I think she’s dealing with her brother’s autism a lot better than her parents. She loves him so much and doesn’t give him a moment’s rest.  She’ll run after him when he runs and tries to catch him and laughs when she herself falls on the floor. She doesn’t care if her brother makes sounds. So, why should we? 

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