The D word. How does divorce work in autism?

To say that my husband and I have grown apart ever since the ASD diagnosis would be an understatement.  We have gotten over the blaming game and are now just throwing little snippets, like I’m always taking him to the playground, why don’t you spend more time with him and stuff like that.  I’m usually the one with the little snippets because I can see how detached he’s become from our son.  My husband is an outdoorsy, ball-playing man.  He doesn’t do well with anything else. So for him, having a son on the spectrum who doesn’t really ‘play’ ball doesn’t sit well. Plus, he gets very upset when Panayioti does his siren sounds and that then makes me very upset.  It’s a vicious cycle. Today instead of just throwing snippets I actually threw a plate.  At my husband.  It broke into a thousand little pieces. The kids saw everything. It was ugly.  To say that our marriage feels like it’s hanging from a thread at times would also be an understatement. Even before the ASD diagnosis Kosta was always aloof.  He is an aloof guy.  Maybe a bit autistic himself, he’s even admitted that.  But today I realized and have come to terms with the fact, dare I call it that, that we may just be together because of the kids. And instead of feeling sad at this realization I felt relieved. So where do we go from here? What happens when parents of an autistic child divorce?

But even as I type these words I know that I won’t get a divorce.  Not now anyway.  I’m in this for the long, ugly haul. I know the stress of autism has broken up countless families.  I mean, I know couples who have broken up or talked about breaking up for far less reasons. Autism is tough.  You have to be strong to put up with ‘it’. You have to have super-human powers at times. There is a lot of sh*t that you have to deal with, literally.  I took my little man out to lunch with my sister yesterday and he peed and pooped in his pants, twice!! We had to leave the restaurant and find a nearby clothing store to change him because in fear or anticipation of such an event I always have one extra outfit with me handy. But just one, not two. Today the whole plate braking incident happened because Beba put a toy in her mouth and almost choked on it.  Kosta blamed me even though I was in the kitchen washing dishes ’cause she shouldn’t have access he says and I’m the mom so I’m responsible. When he slammed his hands on the table to make his point, I cried and when I cried he mocked me. He actually stood there and made fun of me. Felt no remorse or compassion whatsoever. That’s actually a big reason he may be a bit autistic himself, his lack of compassion.  That’s when I threw the plate at him. Well, not at him but in his direction. But the real underlying reason he was so upset isn’t the toy chocking incident but the fact that our heat/maintenance bill came to 300 euros. 1,500 euros a month on autism therapies and then add all the rest, it’s enough to drive any family apart. 

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