For some yet-to-be defined reason, whenever the little guy is out of school due to holidays like Christmas and now this past Monday due to Clean Monday (or the Monday of Lent) he regresses. Bad. Right now it’s a combination of shrilly scream-like sounds, followed by nervous laughter and then running from one end of the house to the other. This past weekend was a miserable one weather-wise so this morning I decided I wasn’t going to dwell too much on his regressive attitude. I mean, what kid who’s been couped up all weekend at home wouldn’t scream? It was hard on me too, keeping it together, and I found myself suppressing a scream of my own from time to time. In fact, I did yell and it was Beba who paid the price. The girl won’t sleep. She didn’t take her usual 3 hour nap in the afternoon so you’d think a kid as energetic and feisty as my little girl would just plop down on the bed and fall fast asleep, right? Wrong! She squirmed and whined and was altogher just one big headache. I yelled at her alright. I asked what her problem was and she just hung her head like she does when she does something bad. The guilt has plagued me all night. I took 5 minutes to sit by myself in the kitchen with the lights off and to compose myself. I said to myself that it’s okay and oh well. So she’s not asleep at 10 at night. She’ll sleep eventually. Which she did. In my arms, all cuddled up next to me. This morning I woke up to Panayioti’s screams and so just like an alarm clock went off I got up, got him dressed and ready for school, said goodbye to him at the door but no kiss. I think he was expecting one the way he looked back at me on his way to the elevator but I wasn’t really feeling it. I didn’t even acknowledge my husband’s presence either. I must’ve mumbled something that sounded like good morning but I’m not so sure. Now that I feel guity about not giving my little guy a kiss I know I’ll smother him with kisses when he comes back from school in a little while. Why I do this to myself every now and then I don’t know. All I know is that everything just feels like a mess sometimes. Just one big mess.