Autism reared its ugly head and boy was it ugly!

Easter was a fucking disaster this year. I’m not even going to asterisk the word fucking because there’s no point and because I want you to feel the full effect of how bad it was. That’s it. That’s all I wanted to say. But wait, I’ll elaborate. There were so many things, so many stimms, so many different sounds coming out of Panayioti’s mouth, so much hand flapping, so much running back and forth. He even got aggressive. “Who are you?!” I yelled at him at some point. I am not proud of myself for yelling and completely losing my cool, and smoking almost my whole pack of cigs in one day but there is only so much I can do at times. I twirled him around the room until I almost lost consciousness and flipped him upside down at least 20 times because that’s what he loves the most. I gave him all the physical stimulation that I could do because only then does he somewhat calm down but then five minutes later he’d be yelling and running back and forth again. And to top it off, we were in the village, away from our everyday surroundings. There wasn’t a single moment that he was cooperative and I tried everything. I took him out, I took him to church, I took him to the beach and to the playground. I managed to even take a few pictures where he ‘looked’ serene just to fool you, and to fool myself as well but it didn’t work. He was off, and still is. I am counting the days, hours and even minutes until school starts again and praying to every god that there is that he’ll find his balance again. This thing where he regresses whenever school is out has taken its toll on me. I am not happy, I am not even close to being my old self again and the one person I feel most sorry for is Maria. All day long she hears arguments between her parents and Panayioti in his own little world just screaming like a lunatic. Did I mention he ran towards traffic and almost got run over? Or how ’bout when he ran behind a car as it was parallel parking and had it not been for his dad would’ve definitely been hit. His hand is all swollen from him hitting it against the window all day long. He ate constantly, munched on paper even when we weren’t fast enough in giving him his meal. I purposely bought him jeans with suspenders to keep him from putting his hand down his pants and playing with his poop/butt. But still, we had two instances of poop smearing. He tried to strangle his little sister and slapped her really hard once when she approached him to give him a hug. He tried to jump from the pier into the ocean. Yesterday afternoon after hearing him yell/shriek all day long Kosta asked me to get him ready for a ride somewhere. I asked him where he’s taking him and he replied “I don’t know, probably drive off a cliff somewhere”. What else can I say? It’s been rough. Welcome to our Autism reality.

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