What’s the opposite of jolly?

Sometimes, I don’t feel so great. I feel as though I don’t play any role, significant or otherwise, in anyone’s life, even my children’s. I know it’s not true judging by how happy both my children are when they see me and how upset my little M gets when I leave for work. Even P gets upset at times and looks back at me as I wave goodbye.  It’s always summer, I’ve noticed, when I start to feel these ‘blues’. I feel my mind is heavy and that I am carrying way too much on my shoulders. I’m worried about what the new season in September will bring, how school will be for P, what hurdles we’ll be faced with and of course, if he will talk. I worry about all these things and it’s July. Then summer vacation starts mid-August where we all pack our bags and head to the beach house and these feelings partially go away but their memory always sticks with me. And these aren’t your ordinary blues. I’m going to be completely honest with y’all. These are basically suicidal thoughts. You know, your typical how I would go about putting an end to my life, what I would write on my suicide note and so on.

Macabre stuff.

Wonder how many autism parents out there feel the same way . . .

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