We saw a child psychiatrist a couple of days ago who recommended we begin medication for P. We visited his office, P, my father-in-law and I, and the little guy was so happy on the train ride there. Thought he was going on a day trip, or to the park, or somewhere fun. As soon as he saw the building he knew what he was in for and started screaming and getting really restless. Of course he would! No kid wants to visit the doctor! We stayed for almost an hour and towards the end P realized that no amount of annoying noises would get him out of it so he sat by me very quietly and played with one of the toys.
To say that I’m heartbroken is an understatement. To say that my life, and P’s life, feels like it’s headed towards destruction . . . I’m just at a loss. I’m feeling and thinking dark, unhealthy thoughts all over again. I feel like it’s just not fair. P has been handed such a freaking raw deal and now to start medication just scares me to my core. Literally, I feel nauseated at even the mere thought of me handing my son medication that would otherwise be given to psychologically unstable people. I don’t know, maybe I’m making too big a deal of it. If only his sensory processing issues weren’t so out of control lately maybe we wouldn’t be in this scenario right now. But, he has been on a wild ride of licking/eating/touching inappropriate stuff lately and closing his ears and running from one end of the house to the other, and running towards oncoming traffic (!), that it just seems like if he could just sit down for one second everything would be alright.